Good luck!

The human race is full of rats. One big huge RAT is in the form of WKF 136. You can run and hide. You may cost me some monetary loss. Because I am steadfast believer of my faith, thus I know things happened for a reason. There is always a lesson to learn, to be grateful and to be thankful. On the same breath I say this to you, you get back what you give. Good luck!

Dont know what to expect tomorrow...but know that there's a lot waiting for me....

Please...

Its a wet and cold morning today.The trip to office was quite long..I have so many things on my mind...thinking of this and that. There is somehing at the pit of my stomach and I cant pin point it. Could it be the weather has affected of how I feel today?

I need a ray of sunshine now. Lets hope the sun will shine soon. Please.

Love

Would you wait for someone for 559 days...how long would your pined for your soul mate? Do you think you would feel the same giddiness of being in love for the first time over and over again or will you be more restrained in your thoughts and feelings...

To lose a love would be such a heartbreak.To lose the ability to love is such a tragedy.

Not music to the ears

My conversation with an officer at M late in the evening, " Eh, Puan..ada lagi ke?". Ya Allah. The response was " Ya lah, kalau tak ada, saya tak jawab telefon". Duh!

My next conversation with a friend from HQ while driving back " I thought you called me up to tell me some good news..".

"Wei, I dont have any good news and I need some for myself, by the way, kalau I merana kat sini, I want my friends to share the same feelings" she said.

Hmm..I guess the grass is never greener no matter where you are.

Another piece of conversation two days ago with an idiotic person " So, bila puan boleh bagi ulasan puan..saya nak cepat ni". (He had been calling persistently in a kerek manner for the past 2 days, asking this and that..) So, my reply was " En. F...saya baru terima memo En. F..pagi ni, saya ada berbelas agreement atas meja saya ni (over pulak tu..) saya bukan buat kerja En F saja..saya akan jawab lepas waktu lunch".

The morale of this entry is- you cant pick and choose your conversations or the person you speak with.Period.

Less is more

My promise to myself from today is less talk. After all, verbosity is a vice. Less talk. To my dearest and closest, to my colleagues at work and friends, I am sorry.

Pain

So yesterday went by in a rather pained manner. Was not feeling well, had two meetings that were equally important. Managed to glide through the first without any injuries but some small cuts. Now the second was quite a headache..literally a headache. I really mean a headache.

I was nursing a bad headache, with a flu and eyes that were burning for the past 3 days. So, it was difficult to maintain a professional decorum while the elephants were doing some acrobatic stunts on my head and at the same time listening to this particular lady who was making my work and life in the context of this particular assignment a miserable one for the past 1 year. She has been harping her own ideas, her own principles, her needs and her wants without having a single decency to listen to others.

So I bit my tongue, sat there, listen to her going on and on. While listening, thoughts were going through my mind..such a pity, she does not realise that people finds her irrating, some might even loathe her..is she so self absorb that she does not realise that. Its a shame.

If for whatever reasons, I might turn into that person and oh please God forbids...I hope there would be some kind soul who has the decency to snap me out from it.

"Do what you can with what you have where you are"

If you say so..

I realised yesterday that I can be quite a stuck up. That I can be quite arrogant when I refused to accept the inevitable ups and downs of human behaviours. I realised that I do not like to waste my time over trivial things...do not like to be kept waiting, do not like to make eye contacts unnecessarily, I do not like people to think that I have all the time in the world to listen to them work wise, attention hoggers and plain self centered people.

When I get stucked in this situation and people.., I can be quite unpleasant as I will speak in crisped voice..clipped conversation...with a tad of annoyance attached to it.

So accept what you must, change what you can.

It's not okay.

Its not okay to be nonchalant about other people's feelings.Its not okay for you to not to take a minute to ponder on your mistakes. Its not okay to say things which cannot be retracted.

Its not okay to think that you are always right. Its not okay to expect respect.Its not okay.

Muah!

Its no secret that I want to get out!I have put my case forward..well not officially..and was turned down by my Boss. So, as I always say to myself, make lemonade out of lemons.Thus, the course of my life at the moment will be filled with lemons.

Is that sad? Lets get this into perspective, first of all, I am blessed to have a job. There are millions out there trying to survive, scrapping their lives from morning till dawn. Struggling and not knowing when the next decent meal will come.

So job wise, those who are lucky enough to be blessed with a job that they love...thats a bonus. But those of us who are trying to get by..just dont get by, try to the best that you can. Sure there will be sad days, grey sky days..I want to give up days..but there will also be days that make you proud.The truth is...is not what others think of you, is what you think of yourself.Muah!

Be back soon...

Am making a promise to myself that I will not forget this part of me that I enjoy...need to get back to the pleasure of releasing bits and bits of myself for the sake of my sanity. Will be back soon..

Resigned with the facts that not all sentiments are shared. Accepted the humility of experiences.Tired of giving.Waiting and praying for a change..Amin.

BLISS

TRYING TO CALM MYSELF WITH MAHER ZAIN - THANK YOU ALLAH...AAAAH BLISS..BEFORE THE MONDAY MORNING TURNS INTO LIKE ANY OTHER DAY.

Another episode of madness

After five days of topsy turvy life which began with an important call on Friday..today I am at home..on mc..penat. Day one, Saturday..with my staff going through files of documents,perusing,trying to understand accounting terms, business reports..which were way off my league...by senja..mata tak larat,told them to balik..felt bad that they had to work with me on a saturday.,balik kerja...pi Giant beli stuff untuk party with hubby(thanks abang).

Day two, Sunday..Sofia and Farhan's birthday party...I didnt do much cooking except for frying bee hoon..and sandwishes..the rest of the menu was just instant food..huhu..not too happy about it, had planned for a menu of pulut kuning, chicken curry, popiah, baked macaroni...but ended up with karipap, puding keras...arrgh..so disappointed with myself..anyway, I always enjoy having my sisters with me..so that lessen the disappointment. What was important, Sofia had a lovely time. Malam tu pulun buat kerja till 4am.

Day three, Monday.. left for office by 6.30am...had to complete the report before mengadap boss at C..believe it of not, the report that kept me awake the whole nite, when missing..bila sambung kat my desk top, for what ever reasons, after tekan something...it when missing,could not trace it..alhamdullilah I brought my lap top with me..and thank goodness I had the sense to save on my lap top's desk top...so off I went to see my Head...discussion lasted till noon, went to my office to gather some more information, went back after lunch for further discussions and tuning of the report with my Deputy which lasted till 10pm. Bila nak balik I realised, tayar pancit..drove to the nearest petrol station..two good samaritans tried to help..but could not unscrew the last bolt..had to call tow truck..which by the way came on at 1am+ ...had to tow the car back to SB...sampai rumah dah pukul 2 pagi lebih...dragging my big black bag..and tried to have a decent conversation with the cina tow truck on the long and cold journey home..while in head figuring out whether I still have the energy to prepare my lecture notes for the next day...oops..it was already the next day..huhu, anyway hubby was waiting patiently kat rumah. Kesian dia..was too tired to eat, cleaned myself up and crawled to bed.Dalam kepala, sempat ke buat lecture notes?

Day four, Tuesday...got up..cepatnye the alarm went off...did my notes....read the drafted RUU, hubby attended to my car...he had to take half day off ...he went to cari mechanic, it seems kena patahkan the bolt...he called a taxi..off to Putrajaya..sampai PJaya..off I went Bagan Lalang for a day of lecture with the office's car. Lecture was in two sessions..morning and afternoon.Took panadol after lunch.

Alas, while I was finishing my lecture at 5.30pm, received a call fom my Head..minta I pi ke C at P'jaya...huhu..explained that it might take me an hour to be there..in my mind, ya allah..macam mana ni, how am I going to go back lepas jumpa dia..how long will the discussion last?..dah lah tak ada kereta ni...kalau habis malam, macam ni...I mean I can minta the office car to sent me to C..tapi macam mana nak balik...huhuhu...the documents and report was at home.Thank goodness she changed her mind and asked me to make the amendments to my report and email to her later that night.

So, bila balik rumah another episode began, mengadap my computer, forcing hubby to help me with the amendments..I need that extra brain..my mind was so, so tired.. after finishing my amendments..and emailing the report, there were series of smses with boss...argh...my official mail buat hal...at last sampai after the third attempt berjaya..dah tertidur..boss called with instructions to mengadap early in morning.

Day five...further amendments...no lunch..head spinning..more work..was at C the whole day...was feeling so lousy...waited to be called by NO.1...Alhamdullilah..bos did the briefing...balik ke office....could not function, dragged myself home.

So, am at home today..trying to rest...but my day started with smses and calls from office..received an SOS call, No.1..nak buat further amendments...arggh..after some frantic calls..alhamdullilah, managed to pull it off without my presence in C...thanks to my Deputy Head.

As a I said to my deputy yesterday.."Puan, I always have grey clouds over my head. Things will always go wrong" .But I realised that statement might not be so true cos the tayar pancit incident was a blessing from Allah..hubby said when the mechanic managed to remove the tyre selepas dipecahkan bolt, it was in bad condition..dah berpecah..so syukur alhamdullilah, it did not burst while I was driving...that night also make me realised that there are still kind gentlemen out there willing to help a lady in distress..En. Razali waited with me till the tow truck arrived and asked me to be careful, he asked for my hand phone number and called me up yesterday, just to check whether I was okay (he was the first person to help me from 10pm+)...En. Shamsul (which I later realised was my junior in service and at Uni) kept me company with En. Razali till I shooed him off at 12am..he was at the petrol station with his wife and kids, helped me, later sent them back, then returned with more tools to help me..as to my bosses at C..they have helped and guided me..I know, thats the not the end of the matter..infact I can forsee more to come from that report...

As, my kak chick had said to me after my sesi luahan sms this morning, I have 2 lovely girls and a loving husband..I need to focus on them..

Boo hoo

I accidentally tukar (boleh ke accidentally?), actually yup...I thought I was just testing/ previewing the templates..but OMG..I couldn't retrack to my old design..I don't really mind the new design but unfortunately there were some items that went missing..huhu. Anyway, today's boo hoo is actually, hubby and my little Sofia.

Lepa ni tengah tidur tak ingat dunia...I tried to sleep for the past 1 and an half hour..lying still with my eyes shut trying to fall asleep tapi tak boleh. It is such a boo hoo with these two senang aje letak kepala and tidur. Boo hoo.

lalala..

Sometimes, the only way to get through life is to have lots of humour.. see life through a rose coloured tinted glasses...do what ever that works for you..as for me..when I get upsets in a meeting, I would silently say a few naughty things to myself..something to lessen the impact..something to make it lighter.The best part is that you might be cursing the chairman in your mind and he doesnt know about it..or I would look at that person..and say this to myself.."hahaha..you dont know what I think of you". It may sound childish, but what the heck..its your mind..it can be silly and stupid..but its fun. You may pretend to be serious..but you are cracking up inside. Aahh..thats the beauty of having some humour.Lalalala

THE FLOWERS ARE BLOSSOMING...

I am still not able to accept it. It is inevitable...but I didn't realise that it would be that fast. My little girl has grown up. She had her first period yesterday. I am still learning to accept this..in my eyes, she is still my little girl..

As I relate the news to a equally shocked hubby, I told him how it was arwah Pak and not mak who told me about the birds and the bees. And how Pak told me what to do with period..that I would not be able to fast..how to clean myself...it was quite weird to hear this from Pak but somehow I was not embarrassed by it. Besides him, mak didnt say much, infact she didn't tell me what to do...infact none of my sisters helped me through my first day or week of period.

So, hubby being the sweet father he is had a talk to Athira about facts of life...about period..the dos and the donts..with me at the corner, adding in what ever that was necessary...for the first time, I spoke to her in a grown up manner.

I never thought the day would come so soon...am trying to adapt to this new phase of her life.. my girl is growing up fast...while the mum is adjusting to it with a tinge of sadness...

"SPRING IS IN THE AIR..THE FLOWERS ARE BLOSSOMING.."

can you see it, can you hear it?

They say women are unpredictable. That women cant decide what they want and most of all women do not know what they want. Well, there are some truth to that. Women are unpredictable and its no sacred secret that woman at times DONT KNOW what they want. I guess that's what makes a woman a woman.Women and men are not cut from the same cloth. Women are not being a pain in the ass if they cant decide in making small decision as in choosing between the pink lipstick or the lighter shade of mauve..but yet can be so certain in making decisions that are life changing.

Women are such delicate but yet resilient creature..thanks to Allah the All Mighty..we are able to withstand the pain of child birth and yet cry at the sight of thing that might tug our hearts. We can cry ourselves silly to some sick love romantic movies...and yet some have the incredible strengh to shoulder the heavy responsibilities.... To all types of woman,whether we are different in physical or our mental abilities. We all want to be understood by men...but sometimes we do not we let ourselves to be understood.I wonder at times whether its our own way of putting on a "self protection" mode.

Men on the other hand can be such pain the ass. They have only one thing in their mind. Their needs comes first..the other insignificant things will just falls in line..They can be arrogant and quite egoistic about that.

I have no arguments that men are Khalifah of the world..infact I embrace and welcome it..that was what intended by the All Mighty..I want to be lead, I want to be protected and I want to be loved and needed. Women's liberation? It's over rated to me.

I all know is that sometimes, women are to be blamed for giving all sort of signals and messages. What we forget to realise is that the man's mind can only decipher things that are clear and unclouded. We tend to think with our emotions..men on the other hand are said to think only logically..

What we need to do is SPEAK UP..STATE your needs and wants..Stop playing some mind games, which have no rules or the rules are made by you..just say it. Why do women expect men to read their mind. I for one, do not want him to read my mind..I would like him to know what I want.Enough of pretending that everything is fine and dandy..just speak up, you have a voice to speak..speak up, but speak in the way that reflects the beautiful and sensitive being you are...speak with humility and sincerity, speak from the heart...It it more bearable to live in a life of what you want than what is expected of you.

So the next time, when we sulk or curled up in foetal position, sobbing our hearts out..blaming him, blaming others, blaming the world...just pause and think..whether we have ourselves to blame for giving the wrong signals.

"LOOK INTO THE MIRROR..TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE"

LET IT LAST PLEASE

I thought that a last minute call to a four day course would be a something that I would look forward too..on day one, smses from my PA asking me about this and that...smses from colleagues..asking on the status of this and that..so, I dragged my feet back to office to finish some urgent matters...day two..perused an agreement while trying hard to listen to the speaker..tomorrow will be day three..I don't know what to expect..anyway met my former officer while having lunch alone at the canteen instead at the Dewan Makan...there's a story on why I am eating alone instead of joining the other participants...that another story to tell..anyway, lets not digress ..It was nice to meet up with a friendly face...we had a lovely chit chat, she looked so stressed..it seems things are pretty bad, I am so grateful that I have left the place with no regrets..alhamdullilah..anyway, she shared something that was pleasant to the ears..it lifted my spirits..but I told myself..lets not get overly excited..knowing my luck the bubbles would burst soon..but I would not kid myself...a candy is a candy..just enjoy it while it last ..and it does not last long. So hopefully, the sweetness of the candy would last for a couple more days..and hopefully the next two days would be bearable..no urgent matters to attend to, no office calls to answer..lets hope for some peace.

"THANK YOU, I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE KIND WORDS.."

Fed up.

It seems that two can play the same game. Who sets the rule?..well,there are no rules.You want out...well, its too late..lay your cards on the table. Fed up with your attitude..fed up with giving and giving and giving...just FED UP!Period!

So innappropriate

Is it normal to look at people and say this.."why is he or her with that girl or guy.." Do you feel like a bitch for being cynical or is it normal..and people would do like wise to you..hahaha..I remembered receiving a call from lil sis about this...she had called me up to tell me that she met a couple that was so "different"..and her views were quite catty..meow! .hahaha..I wonder whether there are any people who have have passed any remarks when they see me with hubby...personally I don't think we have something that is so contrast of each other that anyone would be bothered to say anything..

Talking about appearance, I asked dearest hubby whether I was appropriately dressed this morning for a trip to beli surat khabar..I was dressed in jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt..what wrong with look?..well, I was more concerned about the t-shirt which was quite snug..what I didn't expect was hubby's reply.."nampak macam kakak kerani"...hello?..what do you mean with that?..as I pried and pushed hubby to justify that answer..he just could not..so, am not pleased at all with hubby.Quite frankly, I do not understand his answer...

Men, especially husbands..can be so irratating...why..why..cant they think before they come up with more appropriate answers...I think they take the pleasure of saying dumb things...just for the sake of shutting you up..ooooh so inappropriate!

In our own ways..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ABANG...today sambut hubby's birthday dengan berdating dua orang without the kids..selalunya rasa guilty kalau berjalan just the two of us..but today it felt just right.The morning started with something quite boring, pergi ke LDHN buat appeal. Lepas tu pi ke 1 Utama to service my car..had a light breakfast of kueh nyonya..a bit of shopping..as usual hubby felt out of place at the lingerie section..then it was off to the shoes section..he enjoys looking at shoes..tapi pelik tak beli..pi bayar bills..then it was off to Jalan Ipoh for ikan bakar. Hubby picked this place..I thought he would would have picked somewhere fancy since it was a birthday treat for him..tapi hubby nak sangat makan ikan bakar pulak..anyway it turned out to be a good choice cause lunch was sedap..it was finger licking good.

Next stop believe or not was a karaoke session in the Curve..hubby was not too keen about karaokeing..but managed to persuade him..we ended having fun singing our hearts out, the throat was felt dry jugak walaupun asyik berminum..menyanyi ikut sedap hati aje..habis pitching lari..Oh ya, it was suppose to be a couple's booth..yunno untuk couple duduk dalam gelap-gelap but when we went in..the first thing we did was cari the switch for lights, meraba-raba mencari sampaikan hubby accidently tertutup switch karoake set..hahaha..takut tak nampak kalau tak ada lampu..anyway, I think we had too much fun..lepas tu pening kepala..

Next stop was MPH ..bought some cards..one for the kids to ayah..and a mushy card from mama.A birthday would not be a birthday without a cake..so beli cake..its more for Sofia than the ayah..she gets more excited in singing and blowing the candles than ayah.

So, the day may not be exciting for a young couple..but enough for both of us..how we have grown to be more sensible and quite boring...believe it or not that was enough fun for us..and believe it or not our first date was 22 years ago.. at Kenanga Inn at UiTM..makan dinner...how time have changed us...Kalau dulu masa hubby belum dapat motorbike kapchai..boleh jalan kaki dari Bus stand Klang ke Sungai Wang..sekarang ni kalau boleh hubby nak park kereta kat parking lot yang paling dekat untuk mengelak berjalan..kalau dulu suka tengok wayang..sekarang ni pi tengok wayang on my own or with the kids and occasionally he will join us..kalau dulu boleh berborak berjam-jam on the phone..now the conversation is about the kids, what to eat for dinner..kalau dulu boleh serenade me to sleep (masa zaman awal-awal kahwin dulu)..now he will fall asleep while talking...

So dearest hubby, we may not have the energy to be do the things that we did 22 years ago...nevertheless we can still have fun together. Happy Birthday dear..


"SOME THINGS TURNED FOR THE BETTER..."

What should I do?

As usual, there are phases in life that one goes through..most of the time you will end up feeling hurt, disappointed, hurt and SICK. The irony is that it will not stop you..but instead you will get up, again and again and again till pure exhaustion hits you. Then you will hit hard.. kneeling on your knees, cupped hands in the air, praying hard to Allah for mercy, for guidance..

You will feel a sense of loss..a sense of disappointment...what have you done wrong..what road do you take.....do you follow your instincts..why does things can be so complicated...do I need to become the better person...my privacy is violated...I feel so alone..so alone ..so helpless..

I cant seem to be doing the right thing..it seems everything at this moment is moving in a slow motion..unnecessary words are said then regretted..sorry doesn't change anything...

Thank goodness hubby understands...but is this fair on me? On him?..all I am asking is for someone to listen..listen hard...and for some directions.... what should I do?


"SOME RESPONSIBILITIES ARE JUST HARD TO CARRY.."

Hmm....I tak nak jawab...

Since I am on mc till Monday, I had a lot time on my hands yesterday..so, I watched Asmaradana episode 1 till 14 and continued till episode 24 this afternoon.I was also busy interacting on the FB, I was in a very good mood since Remy accepted me as his friend on FB. Woo Hoo, this when on till (the mood)evening...maybe I was pumped up with too much steroids..the medications must have got the better of me..or what ever...What I want to relate is the telenovela episode with hubby.

Imagine this..the scene was set in the late evening, hubby just got back from work. He looked tired and stressed out..as he sat on his favourite chair at the door..looking so drained..I stroked his face..and said "you looked so stressed, office okay ke? What happened at office?"..he replied "ok..biasalah"..so I continued stroking his face and said this "abang, when you look at me, what do you see?"..he replied.."I see you".

Then I said " well, when I looked at you, I see the man I love". He didn't expect that response from me..he was quite taken aback..if only I could describe his looks..macam terkejut but yet pleased. Tu lah, kalau ni telenovela..there would the lagu iringan at the background..yunoo the soft sentimental song..ala-ala Nur Kasih.The next scene would be this, the hero would lovingly ambik tangan heroin and bring it to his lips....then the scene stops..to be continued in the next episode. Hehehe...apalah hubby ni tak boleh jadi romantic sikit...he just looked at me...Mesti hubby ingat..what's up with the wife ..Wife buat macam ni, dah suspense..I chuckled and had a good laugh later. Tu lah Hubby...tak ada ala-ala Adam Hassan langsung.Macam mana wife tak angau tengok Adam Hassan, Asp Kamal, Mat Bunga....hmm..siapa nak jawab ni.

I love you too...

I was suppose to do my posting first then read the blogs of my family and friends..I was suppose to write about my birthday lunch that I had with a very close and dear friend..Azu. I was about to relate the things we spoke about..the things we did in the short pace of time..she was on a mission to get a new sofa set..we couldn't speak much as time was against us...and I had Sofia with me..you cant have a decent conversation, when you have to have a third eye on a child...our conversations was about our children...how we have changed...I think we all changed for the better.Thank you Azu for the birthday lunch..it compensated for hubby's lack of presence..thank you for the cooking book..I will try to do justice to it. Thank you for not being judgemental about my kegilaan..I think you faham..

I was supposed to share how I spend my 43th birthday.

Instead, I was side tracked by the posting I read on Kak Chick's blog.Thank you Kak Chick for the words of encouragement..I was overwhelmed with it and could feel the sincerity of your words. I don't know whether I could achieve much...I don't know whether I could make Pak proud..he has such a big shoes to fill ..nevertheless, I will try my best..its not easy Kak Chick, arwah Pak was just not a father, he was a mentor, a protector, my security blanket..to me, I would always be his little girl, trying hard to please him..what I missed about him was his just his presence and his hugs.

We were left with such a big legacy..big responsibilities..I remembered an incident that shaped my future. I remembered clearly,we were at Yang's place, Wa Wan Mat came over..the adults were talking...I was looking at a historical/pictorial book..when Wa tanya..what was my ambition..I said "nak jadi lawyer". Wa kata "baguih tu..cita2 besaq". Yang (one of my favourite uncle)laughed and gave some words of encouragement. Pak just smiled and nodded his head. He looked pleased. To me that was enough, that was encouragement...to me that was his blessing. I was 14 years old then..with that etched in my mind, I worked hard towards pursuing my dreams.

I tried Kak Chick, I am still trying...like you said, the legacy is hard to carry...we were raised by parents that were decent and hard working people..we were instilled with principles that they themselves we raised...we have Datuk Haji Wan Ismail and Wan Abdul Hamid's blood running through our veins..I cant honestly say with confident that there is something great in the waiting for me. That I think would be arrogant of me..but I know for certainty is that the road will not be easy.If I could achieve a quarter of what Pak was..I would be grateful for that.

So, Kak Chick from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for the loving words of encouragement..I not only have the steps of arwah father to follow but the steps taken by my sisters..sisters who have shaped me, sisters who are there to guide and support, sisters who are not judgemental..sisters who allow me to make mistakes, sisters who have sacrifices on their own...sisters that I know will be there for me.

You are a strong lady with a good head on your shoulders. You have your heart at the right place..but I feel that you may feel disappointed with the circumstances surrounding you..this I feel is because you have high expectations of your peers,of your students,of your subordinates and your loved ones.You expect the best from everyone because you gave your best. That I understand,the frustration of knowing that things can be better.That perfections is within your grasps but slips away not due to you but the fault of others.

What you need to know, is that you have left your marks..you have touched the lives of so many people.. you have nurtured and guided ...you have a lot more to give...and you will not be contented until you have given it all..with that I raise my hat to you..

And I love you too.

"SOMETIMES WE DO NOT REALISE THAT WE WERE BORN WITH A PURPOSE"

My hot chocolate...

I guess I must have step over some boundaries...for that I apologise. But to keep my thoughts bounded, sealed and kept under locks would be insane. I would not apologise for giving my honest views. I used to be stepped on...not now...I want to be heard but at the same time, I want to be sensitive to others and I think I deserve the same treatment. Lets be respectful. Respect.

Why is that it is so difficult to respect and be respectful.I would want people to respect me for my values, for decency, for being myself...not because of my position. But the truth is, you cant force people to respect you...you need to earn it.

This posting is not a sesi meluah perasaan. On the contrary. I am in a good mood actually. I have been quite a naughty girl actually. Haha...too naughty to reveal...hahaha.

I have learnt that I cant control everything..it's not possible..it's nature..its beyond human nature...semuanye kuasa Allah swt.

So, sit back...banyak berdoa...berdoa...berdoa thats all that I can do.Lets hope..career wise, ada rezeki lain...ada benda, you just have to tolerate and persistently berdoa.. Macam nak minta hubby to stop smoking...hmm, nothing much can be done there.Its easier to submit your case to the judge...then persuading hubby to stop being a chimney....

Enough of that...lets day dream about hot chocolate...yummy...my tall hunky hot chocolate...hubby is more of nescafe...he can still stir me up, dont get me wrong...but caffeine gives me headaches..and also berangin...hahaha...he is going to wring my neck ....hubby doesn't read my blog anyway...so its safe...hahaha. He thinks, its safe to let his wife to tinker on the keyboards ...so that he can have his time also on the other computer...surfing the internet...or watching football...or reading newspapers..

So, tonight while he is watching football,drinking mugs of nescafe...smoking like a chimney..his adorable wife will be watching Nur Kasih again...escaping into my world of Adam Hassan...swooning at Remy Ishak...ahh bliss.

"CHOCOLATES MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND"

Yes maam....

Maybe I had too much fun on Sunday, the bubble has burst now.I had waited more than 2 weeks for the event..met RI, he is so dreamy.But feeling of excitement and the rush of madness has settled down. Quite frankly, for some unknown reason....am feeling kind of "flat" and quite frustrated.Had a meeting in KL today, so met lil sis for lunch..showed the spread of delicious photos of RI...bila balik ke pejabat, I was ambushed with so many things..the meeting in the evening was okay...it went on without any problem...tapi the incoming calls, emails and the files that were increasing into a mountain from a hill was most depressing.

No.Am not complaining, just feeling quite down. Could it be that I will be getting my period next week thus I am in this emo-coaster or just plain lack of interest in everything.

Maybe, the news that I got from Dato Alex was not something I expected.Maybe.

Could it be that bibik is on a tantrum mode and my lack of communication with her is taking a toll on me. Maybe. She left the house last weekend, pi urut..tak balik ke rumah...did not inform me about spending a night with her friends...only told Zubir...lepas tu Sunday balik lewat...did not bother to call us to tell when she will be returning home....then she got the cheek to ask Zubir hantar duit balik Indon on Monday...kononnye nak bayar motor...she thinks..bila cakap aje, terus hantar on the same day...Bank bergerak kot..tak ingat we are busy with work...lepas tu, minta her one month bonus to be sent together....amboi..

Must treat myself to a movie next week..

"A MOMENT OF MADNESS CAN BE SO SWEET"

Green is not my colour...

Today's activities was a bit of shopping, lunch at Homst Taman Tun,tengok dvd and tidur petang..I dragged hubby and the kids for a bit shopping at the Curve..my mind was set on buying a birthday gift for a birthday bash that I have to attend tomorrow. Its difficult to buy a gift for a guy..and hubby was not helpful at all..he does not offer any suggestions...could it be lack of interest or a bit of jealousy on his part..hmm..I wonder. Anyway, I ended up buying a NIKE knapsack and an Adidas knapsack for hubby...there, I hope he is happy..lets hope he will make me happy on my birthday...looking at the surrounding circumstances fat chance.

Talking about circumstances, I am amaze with some of my friends lifestyles..hmm,rezeki masing-masing berbeza...they have the money to splurge here and there...the things that they talk about in the FB...I can only wonder...they must be making a huge amount of money. I guess we live in a different world altogether...I can only read in envy...Mercedes, holidays,shoppings, clothes...LV bags..running their on businesses,these are ladies who are at the peak of their careers with equally successful husbands, my, the list goes on.

Well, as for me, I still drive in my faithful 5 year old Wira with all the scratches,the only overseas trip I have made is to Singapore,no blackberry just a reliable Nokia (about 3 years old), don't have any expensive gadgets, cant afford an LV bag, dress modestly, no beautiful furnitures...only one modest house...I can only imagine the stuffs that they have...wah...but would I trade my life with them...alhamdulillah, career wise, I think I am okay...eventhough I am always complaining about being stress..to be honest would I choose to lead a different live? ...no, all I want is some savings for the rainy days, healthy kids, to perform haj with the family,a better health,continous support and understanding from hubby...and spiritually to be more religiously enlightened.On a personal note...I would like to lessen this obsession that I have over someone...hahaha.

Tomorrow the whole family will attending a birthday do..lets hope there will not be any tantrums from kids and hubby(?!!)...

"We can only dream..and be grateful for Allah's blessings.Amin"

Sigh...again..

Yesterday's check up was fine, although I was tired of waiting...pi register, buat blood test, menunggu for the results and then baru dah jumpa doc...lambat jugak, masuk jumpa doc dah rasa mengantuk,so bila Dr. Hew tanya how are you? I jawab fine but sleepy.. anyway the results were good...Dr. Hew kata I boleh frame it...now that was a bit extreme eh Doc? But, as usual, the usual comments..'you have to lose some weight..make time for exercise...cut down on nasi lemak....makan nasi putih...cut down sugar consumption...blah...blah". "Walking in shopping complex is fine...but the meals that follows it is not fine...". I have been hearing this all my life...I just dont know what to think anymore...the jalan cerita got worst bila a young lady tanya I masa kat cafe..I was having my late brunch..."kakak follow up dengan doctor mana"... I said " ah aa, follow up asthma dengan Dr. Hew"...somehow, dalam kepala I pikir why dia tanya pasai follow up...when she got up to leave..I baru perasaan la, mengandung...alahai, so dia pikir I mengandung TOO....ah..I definitely need to lose weight. AHH...

Anyway balik dari hopital rasa badan tak sedap...demam...adik dah demam since last nite...I masak cepat-cepat..jam dah 1 pm plus...buat masak lemak ikan keli salai (ayah dah beli ikan keli salai kat pasar tani), ayah buat omelet and sayur sawi goreng ikan masin...and sambal, baguih dapat hubby boleh tolong masak ni..anyway that was lunch. Lepas makan, rehat, solat..ayah bawak adik pi klinik..Lepas tu tidur dengan adik..we were so tired...mata tak larat nak bukak. Tak boleh pi open house Syu. Tak larat. Missed the company and food..

Hari ni, masih rasa lousy but better than yesterday..it's already noon, grocery tak pi beli lagi, tak pi bayar lagi cc and phone bill..kerja bawa balik tak tengok-tengok lagi...

"I WANT SOME SPRINKLES PLEASE"

P.s..jumpa lagi ASP Kamal last week. He is hot...sizzling..hehehe.

Alahai...ASP KAMAL

I am such a sucker for men in uniforms..except for Pak Guards...hahaha.I have always had a soft spot for man looking so deliciously divine in uniforms..In fact hubby, after graduated pun teringin nak masuk Police Force..maybe because practically half of the family were serving in the police force.. tapi tak jadi. So please excuse me if I have the HOTS for ASP Kamal....Hmm,this is MY MCDREAMY...hehehe.I was swooning over him. This lady agak tak sedar diri...could this be my mid life crisis ( so soon ah...still in my early forties me!).

Some might questioned my taste...or lack of taste...(who cares!)but...I was...basically reminding myself that I have a hubby yang sedang menanggung sakit...jatuh bike...yeah..Again!..at home...sementara wifenye...seronok mencuci mata...alahai...macam makan chocolate...sedap..something sinful can be such a pleasure..hehehe.I am not going to aplogise for this entry..nobody reads them anyway...this is for my own indulgence.

Talking about indulgence...I had to repeatedly, yes, repeatedly..beristighfar..Ya Allah, hamba mu sememangnye lemah..iman tergoncang...mujur this applies only to ASP Kamal...tak pernah pulak dulu kat court, hari-hari jumpa polis jadi macam ni...haha.

Hai...tak sangka kan...this lady who appears to be sensible...can be SO the opposite ..well, only at times. To my darling hubby, who knows me inside and out..my weakness is that tell I you everything..even about ASP Kamal..I know you will tolerate this episode of ...what shall I say...lack of sound moral values...ya, ya.... I LOVE YOU TOO!

Kita bukan orang putih..

So, I told myself this morning that I would let my mind control my emotions for today.Well, I must say, although I am feeling tired..somehow overall it was quite okay..at least I still have the energy to do my posting eh.So, I must teach myself to have the control of mind over emotions.

Lets take one day at a time. which reminds me...I want to organise my closet...uncluttered the mess..remove unwanted stuff...throw out all the 'rubbish' that have been accumulating in my files and almari. I think I have inherited the trait from Pak..I keep things for sensible reasons..I maybe need them in the future.But sometimes, what is sensible now, can be just pure rubbish in the future.That explains for the surat-menyurat yang I simpan dalam files...paper cuttings yang kononnye for some interest and knowledge...drawings that kakak and adik buat...some pieces of mementos from friends..scriblings...One scribblings yang I cherish tapi dah hilang...some words of encouragement from Pak that hilang bersama purse yang kena curi masa beratur naik bus 222 from Bas Stand Klang to Shah Alam...sedih...

Tak apalah, yang pentingnye memories tu...by the way, tadi I tanya hubby macam mana dia lamar I, I cant remember...why the question? Because I tertengok dalam tv tadi...hubby cakap I suruh Abang Bakri and Kak Ha masuk minang..."kita bukan macam orang putih..nak cakap will you marry me". Well, to be honest I do not remember the actual words or when he proposed...I guess there was no proper proposal...alahai, terfikir balik tak romantik la hubby ni. Or maybe romance is over rated. Dulu ada rasa all giddy and goey...maybe, age is creeping up with me...well, lets be fair, hubby had his fair chance at being romantic. Sometimes, words are best left unsaid...let action speaks...but without words..we are just living in silence, not that we are both living in silence..not with two kids...we can barely have decent conversation...bila the kids dah tidur baru boleh sembang-sembang...syok jugak sembang malam-malam ni...hehehe...

Oh ya pagi tadi adik kata.."sempit la"...amboi, si adik ni, siapa yang menyempit ni...both the parents yang selalu sakit belakang...tidur kat tepi katil, macam nak jatuh aje..adik seperti biasa tidur ikut sedap hati aje...pusingan 360 darjah...tidur dengan budak kecik best, dia suka peluk and boleh peluk-peluk. Nanti bila dah besar sikit dah tak nak peluk-peluk dah. Tapi too much of peluk, rimas jugak...yang jadi mangsa adik sekarang is ayah...macam-macam aksi adik tidur with ayah...anak ayah...she gets away with it.

Let it be...

The mind is such a powerful tool. I am trying to test whether my moods can be control by my mind instead of my emotions. I am expecting a full lousy day today. There are 2 meetings scheduled today which I have been dreading since last week. Lets see whether I can breeze through it without any major setback. By the way, am supposed to be driving to work by now...hmm, lets just not rush eh...So,let it be..

Trying...

Was looking forward for the weekend.So much.Was looking forward to see Aqil.So dissapointed.I have to work this weekend. Two full days.Trying hard to accept the situation.Trying....

"I JUST CANT SWALLOW ANY MORE LEMONADES"

Love

Words, they say too much. Love comes in silence -Yasmin Ahmad.

Hmm....

Maybe it's just plain tiredness, maybe my period is due soon, maybe its just plain clash of personalities, maybe napoleon needs to start a fight, maybe its just another lesson to be learned, maybe its just another endless story to tell.Maybe.

I am trying to be a better person spiritually...trying to take everything in stride...trying to make lemonades out of lemons, trying to be a good Muslim, trying to be contended with what life has to offer. To be humble with what Allah swt has for me. Trying.

Today,I had a clash of opinions with a person I called Napoleon..Little N. Geram sangat-sangat.He went "blah...blah...blah", bercakap tak pandang kiri kanan...pakai redah aje, my ears was so sore. Surprisingly, although I was so annoyed with Little N,even though my hands were shaking as I was speaking...nevertheless, I spoke in a polite and sweet manner (bukan puji tapi the truth, hahaha). I didnt raise my voice..although Little N was so very rude...I realised that while the words were coming out of my mouth...I wanted to be dignified...I didnt want to stoop to his level.He is short anyway (oops!sorry!)Dah lah tu. Closure. I dah lepas perasaan kat lil sis tadi. Tak nak waste my time and energy writing about it.Let this end abruptly. Enough.I am NOT going to let Little N occupies a part of this beautiful mind.Hahaha.

Let me see....
There is something to look forward to...am going to be a grandma..the first cucu for the Omarians..walaupun technically dah ada cucu on Zubir's side..but its not the same.Should I be called Tok Chik..because I am supposed to be mak cik but ended as Cippa@Cikpa.Or maybe Nana Cik...Nana Cikpa..nanna...or plain TOK.Maybe lepas tengok Ali Junior, it will come naturally.
Athira and Sofia will be aunties...how I love babies...maybe Aisyah and Ali will let me babysit once awhile...

"SET ASIDE SOME TIME TO DAY DREAM"

Back to routine

My last posting was on 27 January..so, it's been about 20 days eh...how time flies so fast eh.I have been up and about at home, at office...dah lama tak baca blog orang...blog sendiri pun not updated. Guilty of that. My mitigation is that I have been consumed with everything.The last 3 days have been filled with sleep and more sleep. On Saturday..lil sis and I went to see Konsert Satu Suara..best..tapi sayang we were at the top level...gayat..and terpaksa hulur kepala and badan kedepan. So, the next visit to IB will not be tinggi ke atas. The next time, kena keluarkan duit lebih lagi..Oh ya, managed to watched Valentine's Day in the morning..hmm,I think I was the only person without a partner...I coupled with my chezzels..but the movie was not my cup of tea. Did not enjoy it.The kids spend some quality time with hubby...I think they got on his nerves...hahahaha.

Sunday was filled with tidur again but cook a storm with hubby for lunch..petang pi makan tauhu bakar and ABC kat Giant Shah Alam...Monday..was a lazy affair, I fried mee..had that for breakfast..hubby watched rugby...so mama tidur lagi, petang pi ke One Utama. Mama beli banyak bunga kat Lovely Lace for my office...sometimes one needs to indulge for one's sanity...beli bantal untuk adik and ayah kat LQ..tapi ayah tak nak, so mama dapat bantal baru...I teringin nak makan cake, ended up, with rest nak cakes too, so tapau some cakes at Secret Recipes.. I realised I did not buat any kerja pejabat yang diusung balik dengan beratnya ke rumah...So tonight, the last nite of this long but short weekend (huh?!)...nampaknya kena burn the midnight oil...how I deserve this for being so lazy....hah! Back to routine.Argh!!!!!

"IT PAYS TO BE SENSIBLE....AT TIMES"

P.S. Thanks Amal for Mat Bunga...it was hilarious...RI was really Mat Bunga,hilang macho...hahahha..tapi seronok...hahaha..to me, he is still DREAMY ...hahaha...ya..ya, I tengok jugak malam tu walaupun kepala penuh dengan suara FT and CT.

Am so tired..very tired. The only thing that I can write is about work..since work takes a big chunk of my life at the moment. I have worked for the past 16 years plus in this line...minus my chambering days..I have gone through with different types of bosses, different types of problems, different types of scenarios...different types of people...the back stabbing, the office politics...the nonsense that one has to put up with work..the ups and downs.I thought I have seen it all...wrong, am so very wrong. The truth is everyone gets upsets, stressed, tired...with work at any point of their life. So,I should not be complaining.Mana ada orang yang tak pernah rasa nak give up...there are millions out there. Without sounding so arrogant, I feel that I can motivate people.. bila ada kawan or my officers/staff yang nampak ada problem..I tend to find the root of the problem and build them up again..but somehow I have lost that feeling...I cant longer motivate myself...I say to myself..setiap yang jadi ada hikmahnya...true..but sometimes when the mind and the body are not in sync..you tend to feel so low...so down..so frustrated.Is it fair to complain and sigh...tak bersyukur ke dengan rezeki yang diberiNYA.Semua orang ada masalah..kenapa nak merungut sangat...bila dengar usrah or ceramah agama...rasa tersentap...Ya Allah..betapa lalainya diri ini...but at the same time, I cant help but feel lousy. I dont know whether I am just going through a difficult phase in life or I need some help.The sad part is that I dont have the time to speak to any close friends about this..tak ada masa. Believe or not, I dont have friends at work..I only socialise at meetings when it is needed of me to do so..Nak bercakap dengan kawan-kawan on a daily basis...jangan harap..I have gone through months without talking with friends..occassionaly I might sms a close friend kalau dah tahan sangat..kalau rasa nak cakap untuk release tension sikit, I will call lil sister..itu pun kalau dia layan I.I used to have a close group of friends at work..zaman kat Jalan Raja..(in the mids nineties)kadang-kadang masa break for the next sitting.. curi-curi sembang kat bilik kawan...keluar pi makan lunch...window shopping on Fridays...I missed all of that. Maybe as I aged..I tend to become less dependent on friends and more a ME person. Less time to spend with friends..work commitments, different working environment..office lain..all these contributed to this isolation.Pernah one senior officer kata I anti social.Tak tahu lah. Maybe I need to have my friends back in my life more than I realised..this silly girl, leads a lonely life..that's why when the pressure of work is burdening me, I feel suffocated..maybe all I need is a friendly voice...a pair of ears to listen..hmm, maybe.

Today was quite a tiring day for me..one of my officers has resigned, I woke up with a bad cramp...period pains..ingat nak ambik EL..ended up tak jadi..sampai kat parking, my other officer called to say..adik dia had a miscarriage, minta EL...sorang lagi masih at his home town..wife tak sihat, may need a major operation..and will be back to work on Monday, I hope, so, am left alone...ada meetings to attend..tak ada orang yang boleh cover untuk meeting lain.so ada meetings yang tak boleh attend..Hari saja, memang dah ada meeting yang require my personal attendance..two meetings and one pre council...the first lasted till 2pm..another went on till 6 plus..continued with PC.Surat masuk atas meja, tak sempat nak tengok betul, just flicked through aje...files dah bertimbun balik...semua nak cepat...besok, I will be alone again..seorang nak pi BTN...alahai.The cycle will start again and again. I am praying hard that there will a better future ahead...I want to get out of this M...I dont mind kerja lebih...tapi I cant stand the environment..its quite toxic..semuanya penting..semua nak cepat...semua nak kononnya my attention tak boleh my officers...kononnye...On my part..takut buat silap, takut tak terdaya..takut tak boleh give the best..

I hope to regain my sanity..I want the old ME back..

"FIND A REASON WHY YOU "CAN" "

Part 1, Scene 1

I look forward to weekends,something to keep my hopes up, to spent some quality time with the kids..something that keeps me going on from Monday till Friday knowing that weekends will cheer me up but weekends can be too short to my desire...then I get frustrated and annoyed...with the whole situation..most of the time this silly girl gets annoyed with herself. Anyway, a few events took place last week...some not significant like Siti Nurhaliza receiving a RM40k LV handbag from Dato' K...alahai, what can I say,rezeki masing-masing..at work?..something big is brewing..waiting for the right to explode...hmm, the waiting can be stressful,on family, Aisyah gave us a scare with her pregnancy... on the home front...hubby said this to me when I asked him whether he will wait for me to pick him up later .. "abang tunggu you selamanya"..amboi, macam script from Nur Kasih pulak....hahahaha.It got me laughing and mushy at the same time..so I said "macam RI aje" "oops..macam Adam pulak"...he laughed.Things like this will make me chuckle..hubby knows how to push the right buttons.He knows that I tend to take things too serious at time... this girl's drama is her work...so damn boring...sigh!Must make a mental note to have a more colourful life.A sulking wife is a terrible wife...cheerio!



"COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, NOT YOUR PROBLEMS"

Just flow with it..

What can I say...tired, aching...My weekend was a physically and mentally tiring, had to a working conference...bukan conference where your attendance and ears are needed but this was energy draining one.It was taxing due to the time constraints, there were 27 presentations..the rumusan and Q&A took a HUGE bite of the whole programme..thus resulted in a domino effect of spilling over...thus it dragged until late into the night...and continued again the next day..from the Friday to Sunday noon.It was not something heavy yang your mind cannot compute...the contents were more of policies and activities of the M,so it was tolerable..its good to know where tangent is, where everyone is heading to, strategies the activities....but the downside was the lack of time management..and lack of rest... sampai kaki kebas sangat-sangat.Nak bangun ke ladies or to take a breather was such a pain.Imagine this, I was walking out, gingerly going through the chairs, when my name, actually not name, more of my "post" was called out, had to stop in my track and stand very awkwardly, acknowledged the matter that was raised, nodded my head all this while trying to remain compose cos all eyes was on me..was this necessary...I don't know..I have my view on this..but not to be shared with others. What I gained besides some input on M's policies and planning, I got a splitting headache and badan berangin cos tak lalu sangat nak makan.

To my supportive and considerate hubby....thank you from the bottom of heart. Love you so much.Muah,muah,muah. To my kids...sorry mama could not give any attention to both of you last weekend. Mama will make up for it this weekend.

" EMBRACE EACH MOMENT WITH ENTHUSIASM "