Am so tired..very tired. The only thing that I can write is about work..since work takes a big chunk of my life at the moment. I have worked for the past 16 years plus in this line...minus my chambering days..I have gone through with different types of bosses, different types of problems, different types of scenarios...different types of people...the back stabbing, the office politics...the nonsense that one has to put up with work..the ups and downs.I thought I have seen it all...wrong, am so very wrong. The truth is everyone gets upsets, stressed, tired...with work at any point of their life. So,I should not be complaining.Mana ada orang yang tak pernah rasa nak give up...there are millions out there. Without sounding so arrogant, I feel that I can motivate people.. bila ada kawan or my officers/staff yang nampak ada problem..I tend to find the root of the problem and build them up again..but somehow I have lost that feeling...I cant longer motivate myself...I say to myself..setiap yang jadi ada hikmahnya...true..but sometimes when the mind and the body are not in sync..you tend to feel so low...so down..so frustrated.Is it fair to complain and sigh...tak bersyukur ke dengan rezeki yang diberiNYA.Semua orang ada masalah..kenapa nak merungut sangat...bila dengar usrah or ceramah agama...rasa tersentap...Ya Allah..betapa lalainya diri ini...but at the same time, I cant help but feel lousy. I dont know whether I am just going through a difficult phase in life or I need some help.The sad part is that I dont have the time to speak to any close friends about this..tak ada masa. Believe or not, I dont have friends at work..I only socialise at meetings when it is needed of me to do so..Nak bercakap dengan kawan-kawan on a daily basis...jangan harap..I have gone through months without talking with friends..occassionaly I might sms a close friend kalau dah tahan sangat..kalau rasa nak cakap untuk release tension sikit, I will call lil sister..itu pun kalau dia layan I.I used to have a close group of friends at work..zaman kat Jalan Raja..(in the mids nineties)kadang-kadang masa break for the next sitting.. curi-curi sembang kat bilik kawan...keluar pi makan lunch...window shopping on Fridays...I missed all of that. Maybe as I aged..I tend to become less dependent on friends and more a ME person. Less time to spend with friends..work commitments, different working environment..office lain..all these contributed to this isolation.Pernah one senior officer kata I anti social.Tak tahu lah. Maybe I need to have my friends back in my life more than I realised..this silly girl, leads a lonely life..that's why when the pressure of work is burdening me, I feel suffocated..maybe all I need is a friendly voice...a pair of ears to listen..hmm, maybe.

Today was quite a tiring day for me..one of my officers has resigned, I woke up with a bad cramp...period pains..ingat nak ambik EL..ended up tak jadi..sampai kat parking, my other officer called to say..adik dia had a miscarriage, minta EL...sorang lagi masih at his home town..wife tak sihat, may need a major operation..and will be back to work on Monday, I hope, so, am left alone...ada meetings to attend..tak ada orang yang boleh cover untuk meeting lain.so ada meetings yang tak boleh attend..Hari saja, memang dah ada meeting yang require my personal attendance..two meetings and one pre council...the first lasted till 2pm..another went on till 6 plus..continued with PC.Surat masuk atas meja, tak sempat nak tengok betul, just flicked through aje...files dah bertimbun balik...semua nak cepat...besok, I will be alone again..seorang nak pi BTN...alahai.The cycle will start again and again. I am praying hard that there will a better future ahead...I want to get out of this M...I dont mind kerja lebih...tapi I cant stand the environment..its quite toxic..semuanya penting..semua nak cepat...semua nak kononnya my attention tak boleh my officers...kononnye...On my part..takut buat silap, takut tak terdaya..takut tak boleh give the best..

I hope to regain my sanity..I want the old ME back..

"FIND A REASON WHY YOU "CAN" "