Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Am so tired..very tired. The only thing that I can write is about work..since work takes a big chunk of my life at the moment. I have worked for the past 16 years plus in this line...minus my chambering days..I have gone through with different types of bosses, different types of problems, different types of scenarios...different types of people...the back stabbing, the office politics...the nonsense that one has to put up with work..the ups and downs.I thought I have seen it all...wrong, am so very wrong. The truth is everyone gets upsets, stressed, tired...with work at any point of their life. So,I should not be complaining.Mana ada orang yang tak pernah rasa nak give up...there are millions out there. Without sounding so arrogant, I feel that I can motivate people.. bila ada kawan or my officers/staff yang nampak ada problem..I tend to find the root of the problem and build them up again..but somehow I have lost that feeling...I cant longer motivate myself...I say to myself..setiap yang jadi ada hikmahnya...true..but sometimes when the mind and the body are not in tend to feel so frustrated.Is it fair to complain and sigh...tak bersyukur ke dengan rezeki yang diberiNYA.Semua orang ada masalah..kenapa nak merungut sangat...bila dengar usrah or ceramah agama...rasa tersentap...Ya Allah..betapa lalainya diri ini...but at the same time, I cant help but feel lousy. I dont know whether I am just going through a difficult phase in life or I need some help.The sad part is that I dont have the time to speak to any close friends about this..tak ada masa. Believe or not, I dont have friends at work..I only socialise at meetings when it is needed of me to do so..Nak bercakap dengan kawan-kawan on a daily basis...jangan harap..I have gone through months without talking with friends..occassionaly I might sms a close friend kalau dah tahan sangat..kalau rasa nak cakap untuk release tension sikit, I will call lil sister..itu pun kalau dia layan I.I used to have a close group of friends at work..zaman kat Jalan Raja..(in the mids nineties)kadang-kadang masa break for the next sitting.. curi-curi sembang kat bilik kawan...keluar pi makan lunch...window shopping on Fridays...I missed all of that. Maybe as I aged..I tend to become less dependent on friends and more a ME person. Less time to spend with commitments, different working lain..all these contributed to this isolation.Pernah one senior officer kata I anti social.Tak tahu lah. Maybe I need to have my friends back in my life more than I realised..this silly girl, leads a lonely life..that's why when the pressure of work is burdening me, I feel suffocated..maybe all I need is a friendly voice...a pair of ears to listen..hmm, maybe.

Today was quite a tiring day for of my officers has resigned, I woke up with a bad cramp...period pains..ingat nak ambik EL..ended up tak jadi..sampai kat parking, my other officer called to say..adik dia had a miscarriage, minta EL...sorang lagi masih at his home town..wife tak sihat, may need a major operation..and will be back to work on Monday, I hope, so, am left alone...ada meetings to attend..tak ada orang yang boleh cover untuk meeting ada meetings yang tak boleh attend..Hari saja, memang dah ada meeting yang require my personal attendance..two meetings and one pre council...the first lasted till 2pm..another went on till 6 plus..continued with PC.Surat masuk atas meja, tak sempat nak tengok betul, just flicked through aje...files dah bertimbun balik...semua nak cepat...besok, I will be alone again..seorang nak pi BTN...alahai.The cycle will start again and again. I am praying hard that there will a better future ahead...I want to get out of this M...I dont mind kerja lebih...tapi I cant stand the environment..its quite toxic..semuanya penting..semua nak cepat...semua nak kononnya my attention tak boleh my officers...kononnye...On my part..takut buat silap, takut tak terdaya..takut tak boleh give the best..

I hope to regain my sanity..I want the old ME back..


Monday, January 18, 2010

Part 1, Scene 1

I look forward to weekends,something to keep my hopes up, to spent some quality time with the kids..something that keeps me going on from Monday till Friday knowing that weekends will cheer me up but weekends can be too short to my desire...then I get frustrated and annoyed...with the whole situation..most of the time this silly girl gets annoyed with herself. Anyway, a few events took place last week...some not significant like Siti Nurhaliza receiving a RM40k LV handbag from Dato' K...alahai, what can I say,rezeki work?..something big is brewing..waiting for the right to explode...hmm, the waiting can be stressful,on family, Aisyah gave us a scare with her pregnancy... on the home front...hubby said this to me when I asked him whether he will wait for me to pick him up later .. "abang tunggu you selamanya"..amboi, macam script from Nur Kasih pulak....hahahaha.It got me laughing and mushy at the same I said "macam RI aje" "oops..macam Adam pulak"...he laughed.Things like this will make me chuckle..hubby knows how to push the right buttons.He knows that I tend to take things too serious at time... this girl's drama is her damn boring...sigh!Must make a mental note to have a more colourful life.A sulking wife is a terrible wife...cheerio!


Monday, January 11, 2010

Just flow with it..

What can I say...tired, aching...My weekend was a physically and mentally tiring, had to a working conference...bukan conference where your attendance and ears are needed but this was energy draining one.It was taxing due to the time constraints, there were 27 presentations..the rumusan and Q&A took a HUGE bite of the whole programme..thus resulted in a domino effect of spilling over...thus it dragged until late into the night...and continued again the next day..from the Friday to Sunday noon.It was not something heavy yang your mind cannot compute...the contents were more of policies and activities of the M,so it was tolerable..its good to know where tangent is, where everyone is heading to, strategies the activities....but the downside was the lack of time management..and lack of rest... sampai kaki kebas sangat-sangat.Nak bangun ke ladies or to take a breather was such a pain.Imagine this, I was walking out, gingerly going through the chairs, when my name, actually not name, more of my "post" was called out, had to stop in my track and stand very awkwardly, acknowledged the matter that was raised, nodded my head all this while trying to remain compose cos all eyes was on me..was this necessary...I don't know..I have my view on this..but not to be shared with others. What I gained besides some input on M's policies and planning, I got a splitting headache and badan berangin cos tak lalu sangat nak makan.

To my supportive and considerate hubby....thank you from the bottom of heart. Love you so much.Muah,muah,muah. To my kids...sorry mama could not give any attention to both of you last weekend. Mama will make up for it this weekend.