Sunday, May 22, 2011


I have never opened up to my closest friends or family about the heartbreaks that we went through in losing our babies. Miscarriage is not something one talks. Its something that too personal and painful. Nobody knew what we went through. I was alone in my own world. And quite honestly, I never really gave a thought about hubby, about his feelings, about his pain.

Three days ago, I spoke about our miscarriages , it was not the best of time to speak but for some reasons I had to.This conversation was triggered by an incident at a khenduri kahwin earlier on, when someone said "anak dua cukup ke?". I related this to hubby. How insensitive people can be. If only they knew how I felt..the monthly disappointment of not conceiving, the joy in hope and the utter disappointment of reality. It was such a lonely journey. I had friends who were already in their second, third child... we had conversations about their children but none was willing to talk about miscarriages. So, those words said by a member of a family, hurt me.

It brought back memories of my pregnancies. How I was extra careful in everything I did. I would walk carefully,in a slow manner, cradling my stomach hoping that no harm on my unborn baby. Every bit of spotting and bleeding made me more concerned and worried. It was difficult to balance fear and cautious at the same time. I didn't want to be stressed out as it would affect the baby, at the same time, I could not bear the thought of losing again.

So, hubby played a vital role of being there when I needed him. He accompanied me to all the doctor's visits. And mind you, it was not easy, my visits were frequent, unlike other pregnancies without any complications, mine was a weekly affair. The "first" pregnancy, on recollection was just tiring. I went to three O&Gs, which was Dr. O, Dr. A and HUKM. Towards the third trimester, I trimmed it down to just Dr. O and Dr. A.

On my "second" pregnancy, I stayed at home for 5 months. I was just me, hubby, kakak and baby. I had episodes of bleeding. I had instructions on what to do in case of emergencies and Dr. A had given me three names of doctors in SJMC to call and see. He didn't want me to take the chance of travelling from SB to Gleneagles in Ampang and advice me, the most sensible thing to do in cases of emergencies was to go to the nearest hospital.

I clearly remember an incident when I was 5 months pregnant, I was in sitting on the loo and warm blood was just dripping into the bowl, there was a pool blood and I had blood on my thighs, and on my legs.. it was just frightening. Ya Allah, was this another test from god? Am I going to lose my baby again? I have never so helpless in my life.  I remembered shouting for hubby and I could never forget the look on his face. He was just as upset as me...but did everything in his means to soothe and comfort me.As he hug and held me close in his arms...I felt all the pain, the anguish, the worries were slowly slipping by.I somehow felt that things were going to be alright.

Although it have taken me five years to ask how hubby felt, it is never too late to say I am sorry. 

I am sorry I didn't ask about  how he felt during the testing times...maybe because I felt, hubby was always the person that I could rely on, the stronger one..And so, I asked he felt. He opened up, bit by bit. He too felt the things I had felt. He too was alone in dealing with it.  

Was this purely coincidence, I dont know. Today, we saw NKTM, I brought the kids to watch for my own selfish reasons...I really adored the tv series and wanted to share the emotions from the celluloid version to the big screen with the family.

But instead of just enjoying the movie, I had another piece of the jigsaw to the whole picture of hubby's own emotions on our pregnancies.

I was surprised to see that hubby had tears in his eyes...he is not someone to cry over movies, I have never seen him cried at any movies at all. Infact there was a joke between us that he has hati kering as I would cry at anything and he would be totally opposite of that. 

It was just not him. This was not hubby at all. So, I asked him, what was it that trigger that emotion, what was the scene that caught his emotions...his reply was overwhelming..."it was the scene that Nur  had her miscarriage".

On a reflection, I think the emotions felt by the actor, questioning God's wisdom and feeling just of pure helpless over the trials of losing and losing, struck the truth to hubby. 

It strucked a chord to my own emotions. My pain was his pain too. It was ours.

It was a closure.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Its all grey

The weather forecast for the whole week is grey skies and bits of showering. Lets hope there is a beautiful rainbow somewhere. Cant bear the thought of grey clouds and skies.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Growing up

Sometimes I do deserve a kick in my big butt. Sometimes I do deserve a pat on my back. Sometimes I do deserve to be listened to. Sometimes I do deserve to be ignored.

At the moment, I am feeling down. But the feeling of sad is overshadowed by the feeling of embrassment to Allah. Here I am feeling sad and tired because I am overwhelmed with the pressure of work and feeling shameful of not thanking enough to Allah swt  for blessing me with a healthy, happy and loving family.

I am so much aware of the blessings that have been bestowed to me but yet, a part of me will constantly complaints of tiredness, of the headaches and heartaches of my work. I should be counting my blessing that I have work to go to in the morning, that I have been given the rezeki to be share with my family, that I do not have a tyrant boss at work....but sometimes I choose to dwell on matters that may be trivial to others but matters to me. Regardless of my age , I sometimes think like a spoilt child. Oh...I need to GROW UP.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I am here to help you, so please try to understand and appreciate my views too. Thank you.