Ohhh...its so coooooold

Dear BB,

The weather is rather gloomy in P, the air cond is super duper cold...my hands are freezing..but yours truly managed to be quite productive today. Good for me eh?!


Love always,

Me.

What am I?

Dear BB,

Help me, am pondering on a question, am I a pessimist or a realist? Do I walk under a cloud of grey skies thinking the worst of everything or its just a way of protecting myself from hurt. Well BB? What do you think?

Yours trurly.

Me.

Going bananas

Dear BB,

Received an email from my sister today, tips on losing weight by eating bananas!!! Hehehe..hope she is not making a monkey out of me...hehehe.

Ciao :)

BB,

Here I go again, my steps to losing weight seems always to be a losing battle. After tolerating hunger pangs the whole day yesterday, I managed to compensate yesterday's meal and probarly today's meal too by having a mug of milo with nasi lemak rendang kerang, popiah basah and karipap, all for breakfast.

Signing off, till then.

Me :)

BB,

I need to lose some weight. So whats new? Nothing BB, the problem is how? Please help me!

Sincerely,

Me.

Something familiar

BB,

Remember this morning I told you about my lack of friends at the office. Well, guess what?! my dear old friend from the good old times in Jalan Raja called me up this evening, I was already at home after my appointment at the hospital..so, the timing was just perfect. We managed to catch up. I remembered it was a routine for me to visit her chambers in the morning for our daily dose of cerita cerita. We had a few close friends who were on the same common interest and understanding. Ah, how I missed all of them.

So, BB it was super good to hear a friendly and familiar voice. Till then. Ciao.

Dear BB

Dear BB,

It strucked me this morning, as usual, my head was thinking in its active mode..memikir masalah dunia yang tak habis-habis. It strucked me that I dont have a friend to confide my problems and share my thoughts. I dont have a friend to chit chat in the morning  over a cup of milo. I dont have a friend that I can call in time of need. I dont have a friend to talk to about my kids.

The cold hard truth, am quite a loner , not by choice actually, the circumstances and the surroundings of my present position does not allow me to be sociable.The management team is filled with men who are comfortable within themselves.  I have only one friend at work which I see at the weekly management meetings and the odd gathering. Rarely do we get to really speak, as most the talk would be focused on our work. This has been going on since May 2009.

The routine that I have for the past 2 years plus is breakfast and lunch in my room except for the occasional lunch on fridays with my lil sister that I look forward to. Packed lunch (courtesy of my PA) mengadap the computer sambil tengok fb or my mails.

My last posting was a bit bearable, I had my wonderful officers that I could chit chat with during our breaks at the court. I dont know whether it was uncomfortable for them, but I enjoyed our little talks. To Fiona and Aida I missed your updates on the latest gossip.

One thing about me that not healthy is that I tend to be quite obsessive over matters that takes my fancy. So life was repeated affairs of A and RM. Thank goodness, I have pushed it way back in my mind because it was consuming too much of my time and quite unhealthy. 

So BB, see you soon.

Welcome

Back to work after a long festive hols. Expecting everything to be back as usual. What's normal?  A lot of takers and a few givers. Thus, am going to put a bright smile to make it more bearable. There's a saying " a warm smile unlocks many doors". Welcome.

The gift of love

In the name of GOD , most Gracious, most Compassionate. Alhamdulillah for bestowing us Love.


To be in love and to be loved is a blessing from Allah the ALMIGHTY. To feel the warmth of love, the heartache of love, the joys, the pains, the excitement and the sorrows are the highs and lows of love.

Love comes in may forms and facets, love of a parents for their children, love of siblings for each other, love between a man and a woman, the love everything that surrounds us and the most beautiful love is the love for the CREATOR.


I have been watching a particular love story on and on for the past month. To be exact I have watched it 8 times.Its quite ridiculous as I cried again and again.Its addictive. I am obsessed by it.

I am blessed with feeling deeply for things that affects me. I love too deeply and hurt easily.I have been chided by friends for being quite ridiculous and obsessed with things, people and situations that has  impact on me. For this I do not offer any apologies. This is me, accept me for my short comings, warts and beauty.


With this in mind, I have fallen in love with a simple story of coming of age movie, about a girl finding and falling in love, about a parent's love, about making sacrifices, about giving, about forgiving, about making efforts , about letting go, its about Love.The sweetness of seeing a young girl falling in love, brought me memories of my own love. There is no words to describe the heady feeling of experiencing love for the very first time. The desire to be together all the time and the dreams that you plan together.

The Last Song  may not be the greatest love story, it may not also be the greatest movie that I have seen, but it touches my heart over and over again.The scenes are played and replayed on the screen and in my mind. And without fail, I will weep. It was sweet to me and that what matters.


What strucked me most is that we all make sacrifices, we all get hurt and wounded, but we clean and patched the wounds, we go on living. And that's what makes us closer to God, as we weep silently in our prayers, asking for forgiveness, asking for guidance, asking for protection, asking for mercy and asking for  strength from the Most Compassionate.

We all have been tested and  will continue to be tested.

So, if I cry and weep a bit, its not because I am being emotional but am grateful of having blessed with the feelings of love. For that I am most grateful. Amin.

In the name of God,  Most Gracious , Most Merciful.   God wishes ease for you, not hardship - Surah Al Baqarah verse 185.

Alone

Wondering what when wrong. I guess this is fated.I cannot complaint.I shall gracefully accept whats life has to offer. Its so terribly lonely.

Just alone

I cant blame this on my hormones, but something is just not right. I seem to cry at the slightest swing of emotions. Its like being on a roller coaster. Hubby appears to be bewildered with me too. Why this sudden sadness and longing. I cant pin point the cause...its uncomfortable...maybe I should be alone, with myself.

Closure.

I have never opened up to my closest friends or family about the heartbreaks that we went through in losing our babies. Miscarriage is not something one talks. Its something that too personal and painful. Nobody knew what we went through. I was alone in my own world. And quite honestly, I never really gave a thought about hubby, about his feelings, about his pain.

Three days ago, I spoke about our miscarriages , it was not the best of time to speak but for some reasons I had to.This conversation was triggered by an incident at a khenduri kahwin earlier on, when someone said "anak dua cukup ke?". I related this to hubby. How insensitive people can be. If only they knew how I felt..the monthly disappointment of not conceiving, the joy in hope and the utter disappointment of reality. It was such a lonely journey. I had friends who were already in their second, third child... we had conversations about their children but none was willing to talk about miscarriages. So, those words said by a member of a family, hurt me.

It brought back memories of my pregnancies. How I was extra careful in everything I did. I would walk carefully,in a slow manner, cradling my stomach hoping that no harm on my unborn baby. Every bit of spotting and bleeding made me more concerned and worried. It was difficult to balance fear and cautious at the same time. I didn't want to be stressed out as it would affect the baby, at the same time, I could not bear the thought of losing again.

So, hubby played a vital role of being there when I needed him. He accompanied me to all the doctor's visits. And mind you, it was not easy, my visits were frequent, unlike other pregnancies without any complications, mine was a weekly affair. The "first" pregnancy, on recollection was just tiring. I went to three O&Gs, which was Dr. O, Dr. A and HUKM. Towards the third trimester, I trimmed it down to just Dr. O and Dr. A.

On my "second" pregnancy, I stayed at home for 5 months. I was just me, hubby, kakak and baby. I had episodes of bleeding. I had instructions on what to do in case of emergencies and Dr. A had given me three names of doctors in SJMC to call and see. He didn't want me to take the chance of travelling from SB to Gleneagles in Ampang and advice me, the most sensible thing to do in cases of emergencies was to go to the nearest hospital.

I clearly remember an incident when I was 5 months pregnant, I was in sitting on the loo and warm blood was just dripping into the bowl, there was a pool blood and I had blood on my thighs, and on my legs.. it was just frightening. Ya Allah, was this another test from god? Am I going to lose my baby again? I have never so helpless in my life.  I remembered shouting for hubby and I could never forget the look on his face. He was just as upset as me...but did everything in his means to soothe and comfort me.As he hug and held me close in his arms...I felt all the pain, the anguish, the worries were slowly slipping by.I somehow felt that things were going to be alright.

Although it have taken me five years to ask how hubby felt, it is never too late to say I am sorry. 

I am sorry I didn't ask about  how he felt during the testing times...maybe because I felt, hubby was always the person that I could rely on, the stronger one..And so, I asked him..how he felt. He opened up, bit by bit. He too felt the things I had felt. He too was alone in dealing with it.  

Was this purely coincidence, I dont know. Today, we saw NKTM, I brought the kids to watch for my own selfish reasons...I really adored the tv series and wanted to share the emotions from the celluloid version to the big screen with the family.

But instead of just enjoying the movie, I had another piece of the jigsaw to the whole picture of hubby's own emotions on our pregnancies.

I was surprised to see that hubby had tears in his eyes...he is not someone to cry over movies, I have never seen him cried at any movies at all. Infact there was a joke between us that he has hati kering as I would cry at anything and he would be totally opposite of that. 

It was just not him. This was not hubby at all. So, I asked him, what was it that trigger that emotion, what was the scene that caught his emotions...his reply was overwhelming..."it was the scene that Nur  had her miscarriage".

On a reflection, I think the emotions felt by the actor, questioning God's wisdom and feeling just of pure helpless over the trials of losing and losing, struck the truth to hubby. 

It strucked a chord to my own emotions. My pain was his pain too. It was ours.

It was a closure.

Its all grey

The weather forecast for the whole week is grey skies and bits of showering. Lets hope there is a beautiful rainbow somewhere. Cant bear the thought of grey clouds and skies.

Growing up

Sometimes I do deserve a kick in my big butt. Sometimes I do deserve a pat on my back. Sometimes I do deserve to be listened to. Sometimes I do deserve to be ignored.

At the moment, I am feeling down. But the feeling of sad is overshadowed by the feeling of embrassment to Allah. Here I am feeling sad and tired because I am overwhelmed with the pressure of work and feeling shameful of not thanking enough to Allah swt  for blessing me with a healthy, happy and loving family.

I am so much aware of the blessings that have been bestowed to me but yet, a part of me will constantly complaints of tiredness, of the headaches and heartaches of my work. I should be counting my blessing that I have work to go to in the morning, that I have been given the rezeki to be share with my family, that I do not have a tyrant boss at work....but sometimes I choose to dwell on matters that may be trivial to others but matters to me. Regardless of my age , I sometimes think like a spoilt child. Oh...I need to GROW UP.

I am here to help you, so please try to understand and appreciate my views too. Thank you.

Say it.

I have said it once, I have said a couple of times, I will continue to say it all the time.

Just say it.

Just love

Birthdays comes and goes. Although you pretend that its not a big thing, nevertheless, its lovely to be reminded and remembered. So, mine went with the usual birthday wishes from family especially my sisters. Kak Zah smsed me on the dot of midnight...hmm, I hope she was up doing something else more worth while..hehhe. Hubby as usual would wish me on the eve  and the morning of my birthday.

The children were their usual self...their birthday is more important than mine..no birthday cards, no birthday cake, no gifts..just a birthday wish. They seemed to be more excited with their aunts and cousins' birthdays. The same goes with the ayah, I am still waiting for last year's gift that he promised. Que sera sera..hubby knows that I have never asked for anything..and will not start doing so. A gift can come in many forms...having a supportive, understanding  and caring hubby is enough for me. What we have can be quite peculiar to others but special to us.

On that note, hubby was so kind to spend my birthday celebrating another person's belated birthday. And on that note also, it was lovely to received a small bouquet of flowers from a friend that I have made in RIFC, sharing a common interest in RI. I was so touched and was quite weepy. I have always loved flowers and as hubby had correctly remembered, the last bouquet that I received was in 2002. Remember to count and be grateful of the blessings  that is bestowed on you.

Just love and you shall be loved :)

Straight ride.

Surprising although I had a back to back meeting yesterday. I managed to vet through 6 procurement agreements. I took my documents along with me...and quietly was in a world of own. I  know it is not an "appropriate" act on my part, but hey, my "presence" was not required. There were non legal issues. Anyway, the meetings were longggggggggg.Enough time to drive to Malacca, jalan-jalan and makan-makan with a bit of shopping on the side and drive back.

So lets hope today, there will not be any journey on the side..and hoping for smooth straight road ahead.

Taking a page at a time.

Its wet and cold today. I hope today's weather will not determine the sort of day that I am going to have today. Yesterday was quite blurry, head was throbbing with headache..physically I was a wreck. Today? Not too sure...I do know for a certain I have 2 long meetings that are back to back. Morning till evening...ahh, If only I could rest at home with a favourite book. Another page of my life.

it will get better....

Que sera sera...today I will just go with the flow. If I get irritated or upset, I will do my very best to shrug it off. If the person that I am talking does not give a #@&* of what I have to say, then I will smile  and nod...What matters is that keep on going until the view gets much better :)

boo hoo

Am in a emotional mess. I am seeing and reading through teary eyes. Even watching a teen bopper on the screen also makes me cry. Is this normal or its just hormonal?

hmmm.....

Being away from the family is NO FUN. Especially being away from my kids. Especially if its a working trip. And the mood doesn't help also. I have been under  black clouds for the past few weeks. I have not feeling up to anything. I don't know why, but cant seem to shake off the sadness and the self esteem is so low at the moment. I seemed to have lost the sparkle. Being a room with the laptop and the tv is not helping to lighten the feeling. I have watched 3 movies, on the tv and on my laptop....ahhh...I am so so bored. I seriously need to get out from this self loathing mood.

Oooooooooo

Something is in the air! Hmm..cant  figure out what actually. Quite mysterious. Ooooooooooo...what can it be!

one step at a time

Had a wake up call recently. Should I cry over it, sleep over it, be very upset or just embrace it. I have opted to embrace it. Lets hope I will have the strenght to overcome the huddle. Thanks hubby for being someone that I can depend on. Muah muah muah.

boo hoo.....

Am feeling lousy. Had a check up on friday. Down with fever and flu. Did a bmi calculation out of curiosity. Physically i am 66 years old. Boo hoo. I have only myself to blame for this.  Boo hoo. This is a harsh wake up call.

I wish hubby will stop giving surprises in the negative form. Feeling sad . And honestly tired. I am no longer in the upset mode just plain tired.

Less drama

Weekends are not meant for resting. Like any other day, its entwined with more moments, episodes and dramas... Tuition, drama & speech and art classes, buying groceries, servicing the car, bits of office work...I was up to my elbows, trying to manoeuvre through all the 'dramas'. One good thing both hubby and I managed to get a 20 minutes interval for US time. We had a good heart to heart talk in the car while waiting for kakak.

Trying to ask hubby to open up is not an easy task. He has his pride. One lesson I have learnt is if open your heart..look for the beauty around you and others and most of all in yourself.

Then, there will be less dramas in our lives.

one at a time

Oops! Aha...taking one moment at a time. Small baby steps...looking forward to some changes..will try not to disappoint myself...Insyaallah. amin

Not yet.

Nothing is really over until you stop trying. So, its ain't over.

Promise, Accept, Change

Its the 3rd of January 2011 today. I have made some new year resolutions, some are promises to myself that I have made during the year of 2010 and some are just repeated resolutions. One that I am trying hard to keep is losing the loads of extra weights. Another that is close to my heart is to speak less. I am trying hard to speak less. I believe verbosity is a vice and a burden. Sometimes an intention will be read or heard in negative manner. I have had enough of trying to understand people. I have had enough of leasing parts of my mind, worrying about others...then to be hurt in returned. Enough is Enough.

Nevertheless, I will listen more of my girls. Hubby and my girls would be my priority.

So do not expect an answer to every questions, not all quips will be responded...it may appear that I have distanced myself from others, but that is so far from the truth... the truth is, its the only way to stop any alienation of feelings. The beauty of life is that it is full of contradictions.

ACCEPT WHAT YOU MUST, CHANGE WHAT YOU CAN.